so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So squirting runs in the family.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
