I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
