im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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