Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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