I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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