omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
