Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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