At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize