I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
