Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
