I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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