my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
