Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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