please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
