Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
