Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
