Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
