You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
