Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
