if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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