i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
