There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
