u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
