i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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