i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
