He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize