there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
