Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
