I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize