Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
