I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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