based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize