I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
