I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
