On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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