New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
