At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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