apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
