my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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