Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Pants are for mortals
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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