Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
