worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
