she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
