Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Randomize
