FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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