you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
im holly from the hills drunk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Randomize
