I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
