He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
