Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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