Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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