Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
