I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
