Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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