i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
