Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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