my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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