Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
