he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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